Feedback on PPV RPs

[marvelousmikemason]

Hey everyone, I was just wondering if I could get some feedback on my RPs for the PPV. I have a problem getting depth with this character and wanted to see what the thoughts on my work are.

Thanks,
Eric

[Jason Dave]

I'm not too familiar with your character, but I can evaluate your PPV RPs and give you feedback. Just want to make sure that's what you're looking for before I take a stab at it.

[marvelousmikemason]

Yep, that is what I am looking for.

Thank you.

[Jason Dave]

Okay, so as you probably know by now, I like to section my stuff off. It’s partly because of how I was educated on a competency based education. I think it’s also easier when it comes to breaking down things into specifics and referring back to certain topics or ideas. I’ll make references and try to connect things to things you might see in your everyday life, movies, etc. Hopefully it’ll make sense when you read it initially, however, feel free to always ask questions and I will elaborate to the best of my ability. I tend to struggle with painting the picture that I have in my head.

Initial Skim:

I’m going to start at your contract, I know that you asked to look at your RPs, but I think this might be something to help you going forward. I noticed right away that you shift between nicknames in your description a bit frequently and I understand having various nicknames, but I think it might be easier to stick with one, maybe two nicknames. I know it gets repetitive, but repetition is key in learning and making sure something sticks. Ultimately, that is 100% up to you, but I do offer it as a suggestion.

Now, I’ll get in more depth.

Shoot:

I’ll start here because your RPs for the PPV are primarily centered around your shoots and not much CD is provided. One thing I will commend is that you are very in tune with your character. I can feel a lot of validity and linearity within your character. He feels real, which I think is great. The self obsession of himself is really good and I know that this is only the beginning, I’m excited to see how his narcissism is developed further. As always, I do recommend to further learn more about narcissism in order to aid in the development of your character. I don’t mean to go out and read research studies, but I think just a glance or two over some media and other stuff would suffice. It’s always good to expand your knowledge.

To continue on about the shoot, I think that it had some good pieces of content here and there, but at times it seemed to be a bit choppy. Personally, I’ve never felt quite adequate enough to critique shoots as much. However, I do think that it might be a good idea to try to cut back on some of the shoot work in the future in order to further expand your character development. I think that you’re trying to develop your character outside of the ring in the shoots, but I think you can expand so much further than that outside of the shoots.

Grammar:

I’m just going to get this out of the way. This is not personal I swear, I tell everyone this. Here and there you had instances where you didn’t need to capitalize words. I’m not going to school for a BA in english, so I don’t know if there are any other specifics I am missing. The one thing that stood out to me was the improper use of capitalization. Real easy and quick fix, other than that nothing stood out to me.

Character Development:

I touched upon it a little within the section of the shoot, but I figured it’s a critical component and deserves its own section. Character development can be anywhere from really basic to really complex, all depends on how well you write it and what you’re willing to do. I think a good start would just be basic things. I did see the piece you included about Mike reminiscing about (what I am assuming is) the birth of the “Marvelous” gimmick you’re following. Good, that’s a good piece to include. I’m looking for something a bit more than that though and it’s going to sound really simple, but I think the simple things can be quite important when building a character’s story. You can include Mike’s family, his life outside of the ring, outside of the promotion, gym scenes, etc. Everything you write doesn’t have to be related to the fed, BUT the trick is getting it all to connect. With the way that your character is, I can see you easily working with some CD that will connect who Mike is in the ring and who he is out of the ring.

I’ll touch back upon the narcissistic piece I mentioned earlier. One thing I thought of was, is Mike tied down or is he living a bachelor life? (For all intent purposes, I have not read any prior work to these RPs, so if this stuff is already covered in other RPs I do apologize). Is he so self-obsessed with himself that he doesn’t want to keep himself tied down to one person? Considering that he considers himself to be a direct disciple of the Gods, does he follow in their patterns and behaviors as literature teaches us? Since he sees himself as a blessing, is he so self-centered that he believes he must share his God-like physique with everyone and he must spread that blessing across the realm?

Do you see where I am getting at? These are just kind of simple questions that I personally came up with. You’ve gone and developed a personality for the guy, but I want you to use it outside of the ring as well. One piece of advice that someone told me a bit ago (I think it was Matt, AKA Silver Kazama), is crafting a connection between your character in the ring and out of the ring as well. A sense of linearity almost, y’know?

Hell, it wouldn’t even surprise me if you pulled out an old segment from Edge’s history and literally fuck someone in the ring. Honestly, it would almost make sense depending on the angle you would go. I’m really just spitballing with idea right now, I’m hoping that you take one of them and work it with your own personal touch or at least gets the creative juices flowing.
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Other than what’s stated above, I think that you have a well groomed character, you’re clearly knowledgeable of the field that your character is operating in, but you just need to find some sort of depth to the character like you said. My biggest suggestion, like I said above, just start small. You don’t have to shoot for the moon right away, that’s so hard. You can shoot for the moon and then the next week be like “ah, fuck this I hate it.” You can be in a constant cycle of reduce, reuse, and recycle. I think your best move going forward is to build on the narcissism that Triple M is showing and see how you can emulate that to life outside of the ring. It could even be instances before you finally find a story that you like that you want to follow.

Cheers,

Nick/JD

[lashyd]

Eric,

Mason is an entertaining character, I'll give you this much. Haha. I have to be honest, most muscle heads have the personality of a bucket of paint. That isn't Mason and this is good.

I have to agree largely with what Nick is saying here. The shoot stuff is impressive, if a little choppy and during those times of choppiness, I feel like MM's words don't quite hit the mark you were going for as a result. But since JD broke it down as he did, I know that you are going to work on that! You can really trash talk your opponent but with fine tuning you're going to cut scary promos sooner or later.

I also have to say I agree with Nick in regards to the character development. You could really do a lot to immerse the reader and to flesh MM out some more with the benefit of more CD. More description, more detail, more treks into new territory. Just, like, more! Haha. But have fun with it and find your balance. Some writers like more shoot-leaning, others like a daytime soap Opera wrapped in a Rp.

It's where you truly feel your balance lays is when your where the work will just fly off your fingertips.

I hope all of my gibberish was helpful keep up the good work!

-Sara