Offering Feedback

[Jason Dave]

Hey guys, so while I'm currently in the process of moving homes and computerless, I thought that I'd offer services and provide feedback to anyone who wishes for it. I can do personal or public, whichever you prefer. Mind you, I am doing all this from the phone. I am also currently getting everything situated for school because a week after our houses closed I am getting shipped off to school. So I figured I could at least lend a helping hand to those who wish it. Writing a 3-5k rp on the phone just makes me light headed and sick and I want to also thank Tate personally for being so helpful with my situation, as soon as I have full unlimited access to a computer I'll for sure be busting my ass with some RPs.

Anyway, I hope you guys are open to the idea of feedback and in case anyone wishes to see any of my work (for those that haven't worked in the same feds that I have) I would be happy to offer it.

Cheers!

[Jason Dave]

I am bringing this back to everyone's attention for a variety of reasons, mainly because I want to have a greater role in regards to the fed. Since I've been in school, I took a step back to reevaluate things and since my heart isn't entirely in it right now in regards to writing, I thought that I could offer a lending hand. One thing that I think a lot of people under appreciate is feedback, I used to as well and I still do, but I sometimes ask people for their opinions. Anyway, for anyone that wants feedback I'd be more than happy to offer it. Below I have included my scale and what I look for in regards to feedback.

FULL DISCLAIMER:
This is my own personal opinion on your work. My opinion will not always translate to the judge's opinions for your match, rather just tips and tricks you might be able to use down the road. 

I'll typically grade things on a basic 1-10 scale. 1 being there's a lot of work needed to be done and 10 being it's in instant classic and there's nothing to be done. Basically it means I think you deserve an Oscar for your writing.

Creativity:
How creative is your writing? Does it make sense? A lot of times people are very creative but forget the fact that this is a FICTIONAL real world. So magical powers and sorcery work can be a little outlandish. Not saying it's not possible but I think you get my gist.

Match Talk:
How well do you isolate your focus on the match ahead of you? Are you playing the part that you've created for yourself? Have you done your homework on your opponent? Just a few things that I think are key when it comes to match talk really.

Character Development:
ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT FACETS OF WRITING. Everyone wants to be the big bad wolf blowing down the three little pigs house, but it takes a lot more than just acting the part. Can I get an understanding of who your character is in your writing? What kind of a heel/face/tweener are you? I know some people might think that this is enveloped in match talk but your CD really helps you elaborate your voice as a writer/character more than you think. You can be a cocky smug jokester face, but if you off the mic writing doesn't really connect with your character on the mic then it's hard to get a grasp of who your character is.

Grammar:
I'll be honest, I'm not that much of a grammar nazi. I know there's TONS of applications that can check your grammar for you. I'm not a master of the English writing and English language but if you sound like broken English, i'll probably call you out. 

Flow:
This is definitely the most subjective piece to writing is flow. Am I looking for a linear line of flow throughout your writing? Not entirely to be honest, but I don't want to see it go over and back, left to right and do a loop de loop and pull. You catch my drift? (bonus points to you if you know where I got that last part from)

Obviously I just won't give you numbers I'll do as in depth of a feedback as I possibly can. I'm not that kind of editor/writer that when I like a scene I'll write (I like this scene a lot!) I think that's the most annoying and useless piece of feedback that I have ever heard. I've gotten such shitty feedback on so many of my papers throughout my education and I give people literal reworks of their essays and they go off and get A's while I'm stuck with B's because I didn't use my group's feedback. It's hogwash. So that's my criteria, if you want me to give your writing some feedback then please feel free to post it in here or message me personally. Those are kind of the major categories that I'll focus on as I'm reading but if I think by expanding or adding something here or there might improve your writing I'll also let you know of that. I'll be as in depth and specific as I possibly can. If you have any questions don't hesitate or be afraid to ask me. 

[Sah'ta Thor]

hmmmmm curious to see what you think of my work over all since I joined IPW. Not sure sure is you need a specific RP or if you could do something for my collected works. Either way that curiosity killed the cat.

[Matthew 'Silver' Kazama]

I'd be interested in your thoughts and critiques of my promo from this week. I'm not shy of a public feedback post. Let's put you to work!!

[Jason Dave]

Oct 14, 2018 20:12:41 GMT -8 Sah'ta Thor said:

hmmmmm curious to see what you think of my work over all since I joined IPW. Not sure sure is you need a specific RP or if you could do something for my collected works. Either way that curiosity killed the cat.

I'll do specific works, Thor. If you have a particular piece you'd like me to look at I would be happy to!

[Sah'ta Thor]

hmmm thethisweek's piece even though in my own opinion it was somwahat lack luster. Though honestly it just may be my own over active criticism.

[Jason Dave]

So Thor and Matt, I will get you both your feedback hopefully by Friday. I will look them over sometime tomorrow/tonight most likely.

[Jason Dave]

Feedback on Back to Basics by Silvar Kazama

iconicprowrestling.proboards.com/thread/242/back-basics

First and foremost, I’m truly excited to actually be in the same fed as you again Matt. I think the art of being a true face is often lost (including in my inability to work as a face lmao) and Aaron Kostan has been the closest reminder to your work in EHWF.

Secondly, I think that personally this was a well rounded RP in regards to explaining a bit of your own history with the character to the new audience and new group of handlers we have here. I think light was shed a little bit on your past well enough where it doesn’t seem like you’re basking in it but you’re also not completely ignoring it.

Now to the feedback…

Creativity: 5
I’m being a little generous here because simply of the fact that this is your opening RP for IPW. I don’t really expect you to have this complex lineage and super in-depth story or development to tell us about. You did an alright job blending together the pieces in the opening portion. I think you’ve created a very intense vibe for Silver Kazama which brings me into…

Character Development: 7
I think that you’ve planted a few seeds in regards to a direction that you can work with for your character. Being face obviously as everyone knows, can be incredibly difficult. It’s so easy to call your opponent a spitfuck or something else derogatory and I think that you have a great grasp of being a face both on and off the mic. One of the pieces that caught my eye in your work was this idea of superstars that are past and those that are future and while Kazama isn’t old enough to really be seen as past, he’s not really the future either. He’s the present and he’s at the point where’s he’s just in the middle and (this is just merely suggesting) there’s this divide almost between him in regards to where he stands. Taking the time off that he did to work semi-annually, has he lost his groove that he once had or does he still got it? Or is he just on the decline? I think you’ve definitely opened the door for a lot of internal struggle for Silver Kazama that can be developed more and it’s something that has for sure caught my attention.

Grammar: let the apps decide.
I didn’t notice any glaring errors in your piece so you get two thumbs up in this category.

Flow: 8
It was pretty straightforward, although there wasn’t really much that needed certain structure or a degree of focus necessary to comprehend it, it still was very linear and it flowed well. I didn’t really think that there was much in to look into here.

OVERALL: 7
I give it a 7 because it flowed easily, it had some good basic development of your character and you’ve clearly established an angle for you to work on as a writer which I think a lot of people forget to do. You’ve established your character for who he is, but you didn’t drown us in it which was good. There were some tweaks here and there I’d say with your match talk, I’d like to see maybe a slightly more aggressive Silver Kazama because I know the level of quality that you can produce which I know a lot of people are going to be excited to read your work. There’s a certain degree of interest you possess with your writing, I think the format that you’ve used is perfect because you’ve created not necessarily draws the reader in, but it keeps them involved simply because it’s very basic. I think that there’s a lot to look forward to in your character development that I am looking forward to read.

Sorry for the lateness, got caught up with some research work. Thor, I will get to your work hopefully by the end of this weekend!

Hope this helps!

[Matthew 'Silver' Kazama]

Really appreciate the feedback. Your line of thinking with the Past and Present, as well as Kazama's mindset on his own skill set moving forward, is spot on. I'm anxious to see what I can do to expand upon that without getting overly "pity party" or "weak" looking.

[Jason Dave]

Feedback on Lying to One's Self Part I: By Sah'Ta Thor

iconicprowrestling.proboards.com/thread/257/lying-self-1



First Thoughts:
So my initial thoughts before even reading it, layout is perfectly fine in regards to whether it being an eyesore or not. A suggestion that I have though in regards to the layout is to remove the bold throughout the piece. Me personally, and this could just be me, but I think that by bolding things you remove yourself from being able to emphasize things to the reader, you’re left with just caps. Although it might not seem like such a big deal, but I think that by removing the bolded piece you have a lot more of constructive properties at your disposal in order to express and deliberately shove down the reader’s throat this idea of it being huge or the over emphasis if you should say.

I do enjoy the little piece at the top of each scene in regards to date, location, time, etc. Reminds me a little bit of back when I was working my loose cannon angle/insane criminal angle with JD back in EHWF, but that’s already too much about me. This feedback is about you and for you, not for me. (Also, sorry for not getting this up earlier but I’ve decided that sleep is for the week and monsters kickass so let’s do this shit.)
---
Creativity: 6
Something that I have always admired about your writing is your knack for creativity. I think that you have the mind for it as seen in this piece, and by previous pieces I’ve read of yours throughout the years. What I think that is something that you’re lacking in regards to your creativity is your description. You understand that you have to let the reader in almost to the character to get a grasp of what’s going on, but in some cases you almost only focus on the inner psyche and not even the physical details around Thor. I think by including a little bit more physical description, you’ll be able to find your writing flow better and your creativity can become more at work which in turn could help you succeed in future categories.

Match Talk: 5
Being able to talk about your opponents is one thing, but being able to identify the angle of your speech based off your writing is another. Allow me to elaborate: heels, faces, and tweeners have a lot of similar characteristics in regards to their shoots. You can find a lot of passiveness in faces where you’ll find more aggression in heels. Whether it be verbalized or described through the lens of description of verbal usage, it’s usually something that you can pick up when you’re reading. I’m not entirely sure of the direction you have Thor leaning towards. You spend a lot of time focusing on this idea of reality and then how your opponents have their own reality. The whole theory was a little bit choppy to follow and it felt like it wasn’t really Thor. The first part did, and then when you actually spoke about Corey and Oliver, it just felt disconnected.

Character Development: 8
Now, obviously you know what you have going on in your head in regards to the direction of Thor. Might I offer a suggestion within this feedback? Something that I know that you’re realizing is the verbal harassment Thor is receiving across a variety of platforms: twitter, shoots, etc. Following everything around your character, even stuff that YOU didn’t write is BRILLIANT. Here’s why I say brilliant: by doing this you have the most information around you to work with. That is something that I know that you are doing very well and I enjoy deeply. Now, allow me to move onto my suggestion:

This kind of correlates with some of the stuff that I said above in regards to the direction of Thor. Previously, in EHWF, he felt almost vampirish, undead even at times and now it’s kind of like you’re shying away from that. Acting like it was all almost part of an act in a play and now you’ve grown and matured. Great, perfect, beautiful. Only problem is, you seem to be loss between two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Might I suggest leaning towards either face or heel and avoid being a tweener? I think you have too much heel possibilities or too much face possibilities in order to vibe as a tweener. You have this depressed older man, who could be going through a mid-life crisis in his realization of his exotic behavior has lead a lot of people to not caring about him anymore. Maybe all he wants is someone to care for him? How’s his personal life doing? Maybe shy away a little bit away from the druidic pieces and the supernatural almost. You can spin this either way you look at it, maybe it’s good to never shy away from your roots but maybe it’s also good to try the depressed vibe that Thor is kind of putting off. It’s like I talked about it in Matt’s piece being between the present in the past almost and kind of finding where you fit within that spectrum. I think there’s a lot to look into within your CD and you have endless options. If you need more clarification PLEASE do not hesitate to ask.

Grammar: let the apps do it for full clarification, but I would say 7.5
Just some quick tidbits, I would for sure give your future writings a double check before posting. If you’re running low on time, it’s no biggie, but some of your writing can end up on top of eachother.Much like this. I know it’s hard to see, but it’s just the space after each period. Also, when you’re typing, a suggestion I would offer is mouth the words to yourself, it can be hard to catch some of the breaks and commas when you’re mashing away at the keyboard. Reading it in your head is a little easier, but even just mouthing it and whispering it to yourself can do wonders for your Grammar.

Flow: 4
The piece overall feels a little scattered, I think that with some clarity in your development as a character and a readjustment of your creativity can for sure do wonders for your writing for your future.

Overall: 6-6.5
I think there’s a lot here that can be opened up so much more. There’s a lot of potential directions to follow for future writings with Thor and it just comes down to you sitting down and figuring out which you want to try. It can’t hurt to try with trial and error, but if your heart isn’t fully into it don’t bother with it. Go 100% in one direction to start, see how it goes, and then go from there. Your character development is your best piece and I think it’s the most undervalued piece in all of writing in RPs. Yeah, match talk is cool and all but I actually want to read your piece not just hear you shoot on your opponents. I think once you establish a direction, a lot of these other pieces will fall right into place.

[Jason Dave]

Looking for some more pieces to read and offer feedback to people! Please give me something! I just wanna help. (: